The Clicker

So I thought I'd invest in some quality time with Geneen Roth's "Women, Food and God". I was reading a few pages and something clicked. Finally, something clicked. Roth wrote, "it's not about the weight, but it is." For anyone who hasn't read the book or doesn't have an issue with emotional or compulsive eating you might think this is a strange phrase. But hang on a moment and I'll explain. What Roth was trying to explain that so many people think there life's issues revolve around their weight. Some of the problems  probably do. But certainly not all of them. The reason I can't seem to get ahead professionally or seem to win over my board for my senior thesis has nothing to do with my weight. But, when I struggle with life I do turn to food and that does cause a problem with my weight.

So my frustration with food and dieting and life is not about my weight. At least not all of it. Yes, when I was slimmer I was healthier and I seemed happier. But, something went out of place in order for me to abuse food. I thought about for a few days and lost some sleep over it and I realized what was wrong. It's my frustrations, things unsaid, decisions agonized over and yes, some worry about my weight that cause me to overeat.

I thought back and I remembered when I was in college. I started out the chubby girl and added some weight with each year. But, in my third year of college I lost a lot of weight. At the time I attributed this to an extreme diet and strict exercise regimen. But there was a third ingredient I'd forgotten about. I was settled. I was finishing up school and had a feeling that everything I worked for was paying off. I was finally comfortable in my own skin.

And then I graduated and I had to deal with the struggle of not having a job. I became depressed, slept more, and avoided people. Then I found a job which required long hours and left me feeling spent and wondering "is this it?" I thought I could fill my emptiness with a person and so I began to date. I dated the wrong person. I dated to not be alone with myself. That didn't work so I switched tactics. I thought then maybe what I need is to get back to who I was before. And so I went back to school. I tried to compete with people who had their life together. I tried to work and study when I was already a mess. And then something happened: I couldn't fake it anymore and my life began to unravel.

Two years had passed before I could overcome the mess I had made. After it all I only had the energy to save my heart. By the time I picked my self back up my weight had increased but none of the other issues remained. At the time the weight no longer mattered, just the fact that I had survived. I wasn't counting on love. I met a great guy who didn't know a thing about before, didn't care and loved me now. I met him at the gym weekly just to spend time with him. In the process I lost a little weight and developed a sense of peace.

I gave him my once broken heart. We will celebrate our second wedding anniversary in a couple of months. A lot of great things have happened since then. But problems with work and school continue to be a bother, which leads to cookie binges, extra cream and sugar in coffee, and more dessert than necessary. Before I knew it I had gained 20 lbs.

I joined Weight Watchers. I counted each point,weighed myself religiously and finally refused to attend when I couldn't drop the weight. Once again instead of trying to resolve the real issues I made my weight my issue. The thing is it's not about the weight, not really. I think I knew that once but tend to keep forgetting it. I have to work on me and then I can take care of the weight.

Now that I remembered it or relearned it I decided to just relax a bit. I've been tracking what I eat but I focus more on quality instead of quantity. Just yesterday I wanted pizza. Before I would've picked up a personal pizza from the local take-out. But instead I chose to head down to the grocery and pick up a Lean Cuisine pizza. I debated on things like calories, fat, salt. What it came down to was toppings. I like veggie pizza and that's what I ate.

I've also begun to focus on the high I used to get when I exercised. I remember one day running and thinking "this is the best day." What made it great was the feeling of accomplishment I got from running. I'm more of a walker than runner. But at the time I pushed myself to run and when I realized I could do it I loved it. Today I ran again and enjoyed it. Right now as I glance down at my four-legged workout buddy I know we are both exhausted. But I can say, "this is the best day."