The Clicker

So I thought I'd invest in some quality time with Geneen Roth's "Women, Food and God". I was reading a few pages and something clicked. Finally, something clicked. Roth wrote, "it's not about the weight, but it is." For anyone who hasn't read the book or doesn't have an issue with emotional or compulsive eating you might think this is a strange phrase. But hang on a moment and I'll explain. What Roth was trying to explain that so many people think there life's issues revolve around their weight. Some of the problems  probably do. But certainly not all of them. The reason I can't seem to get ahead professionally or seem to win over my board for my senior thesis has nothing to do with my weight. But, when I struggle with life I do turn to food and that does cause a problem with my weight.

So my frustration with food and dieting and life is not about my weight. At least not all of it. Yes, when I was slimmer I was healthier and I seemed happier. But, something went out of place in order for me to abuse food. I thought about for a few days and lost some sleep over it and I realized what was wrong. It's my frustrations, things unsaid, decisions agonized over and yes, some worry about my weight that cause me to overeat.

I thought back and I remembered when I was in college. I started out the chubby girl and added some weight with each year. But, in my third year of college I lost a lot of weight. At the time I attributed this to an extreme diet and strict exercise regimen. But there was a third ingredient I'd forgotten about. I was settled. I was finishing up school and had a feeling that everything I worked for was paying off. I was finally comfortable in my own skin.

And then I graduated and I had to deal with the struggle of not having a job. I became depressed, slept more, and avoided people. Then I found a job which required long hours and left me feeling spent and wondering "is this it?" I thought I could fill my emptiness with a person and so I began to date. I dated the wrong person. I dated to not be alone with myself. That didn't work so I switched tactics. I thought then maybe what I need is to get back to who I was before. And so I went back to school. I tried to compete with people who had their life together. I tried to work and study when I was already a mess. And then something happened: I couldn't fake it anymore and my life began to unravel.

Two years had passed before I could overcome the mess I had made. After it all I only had the energy to save my heart. By the time I picked my self back up my weight had increased but none of the other issues remained. At the time the weight no longer mattered, just the fact that I had survived. I wasn't counting on love. I met a great guy who didn't know a thing about before, didn't care and loved me now. I met him at the gym weekly just to spend time with him. In the process I lost a little weight and developed a sense of peace.

I gave him my once broken heart. We will celebrate our second wedding anniversary in a couple of months. A lot of great things have happened since then. But problems with work and school continue to be a bother, which leads to cookie binges, extra cream and sugar in coffee, and more dessert than necessary. Before I knew it I had gained 20 lbs.

I joined Weight Watchers. I counted each point,weighed myself religiously and finally refused to attend when I couldn't drop the weight. Once again instead of trying to resolve the real issues I made my weight my issue. The thing is it's not about the weight, not really. I think I knew that once but tend to keep forgetting it. I have to work on me and then I can take care of the weight.

Now that I remembered it or relearned it I decided to just relax a bit. I've been tracking what I eat but I focus more on quality instead of quantity. Just yesterday I wanted pizza. Before I would've picked up a personal pizza from the local take-out. But instead I chose to head down to the grocery and pick up a Lean Cuisine pizza. I debated on things like calories, fat, salt. What it came down to was toppings. I like veggie pizza and that's what I ate.

I've also begun to focus on the high I used to get when I exercised. I remember one day running and thinking "this is the best day." What made it great was the feeling of accomplishment I got from running. I'm more of a walker than runner. But at the time I pushed myself to run and when I realized I could do it I loved it. Today I ran again and enjoyed it. Right now as I glance down at my four-legged workout buddy I know we are both exhausted. But I can say, "this is the best day."

Baby Steps

"Run, Run, Run, Repeat."

That's the attention grabbing phrase on a T-shirt I wear when I work out. I was thinking about that T-shirt today as there was a time I lived that phrase. Anyone who's known me for some time remembers my heavier days before college. During college I added the freshman 20 to an already tiny and yet overweight frame. I don't even remember what size I was. But I do know that during my third year of college a friend's crash diet appealed to me and I lost 40 lbs.

My family didn't recognize me when they came to pick me up at the airport for Thanksgiving break. That was a good feeling. At that time in my life I ran everyday for several miles. Then I got a job and couldn't balance the stress and I began to eat more than I exercised. Don't worry, this is not a blog for self pity, but motivation. Today as I got up I decided I needed to be honest about a few things. I need to stop thinking about who I was and move forward. An interview I read in Shape magazine said the same thing. Quit trying to get your old body back. Instead move forward to a new , better, healthier body.

I also had  to be honest about some bad habits. First, I eat entirely too much junk food. People may think I don't but I do.  I just eat it while I'm driving, on the way to on on the way from somewhere. Other things I notice I eat too many servings when I am not even hungry. This behavior has now led to my new cycle: diet, diet, diet repeat. The last few days I've focused on eating only when hungry. Even then I ask "Am I really hungry? Or just bored, tired, sad, stressed, etc.?" You get the picture.

Guess what? I am rarely as hungry as I think I am. I went overboard the other day. I was at my grandmother's house and she'd made fettuccine Alfredo with chicken. I was hungry, but I didn't stop to ask how hungry I was. I ate the whole plate, which was enough for two people, and had some salad. The worst was that I had snacked on two stale donuts as she talked and cooked. By the time that fettuccine was passed to me I was actually good. I didn't need to eat. But it smelled so good. And she went to all the trouble. So I ate and felt very uncomfortable right after. Later, my husband ordered fried fish for dinner. I took one look and realized I couldn't eat it. I wouldn't eat it. I just would be repeating the crazy cycle of my life.

I want to get to a point where I enjoy running again. Where I can happily say I am living the phrase on my work out T-shirt. So aside from asking if I am really hungry I decided to take a few baby steps. Today I walked 2 miles and tried to push to speed walk when I could. Speed walking I realized is not possible when you are also walking a dog. Dogs only have two speeds and trying to go somewhere in between just led to a lot of me being dragged. But I'll keep on trying. Maybe soon I'll be going from baby steps to giant leaps.

Diet Cop

"I'm on a diet. Don't let me eat anything bad, OK?"

Every woman who has ever dieted has uttered this request to some friend, co-worker, relative or spouse at one time or another. Want to know the crazy thing? Once you ask someone to be your diet cop they'll do it. And you'll hate them for it. For some time now I have made my husband my diet cop only to regret it when I had a bad day and needed a treat. I'd been good all week I deserved it. How could someone deny me an ice cream treat from Sonic? Because I asked them to.

I put my husband in a lose-lose situation where if he didn't do what I asked he wasn't being supportive. If he did do as I asked then he was mean and not letting me enjoy my food. The person who needs to be responsible for my food is me. That being said I have a screwed up relationship with food. It is my comfort, my friend. It is my enemy when I look in the mirror, or have an upset stomach from overdoing it. In the end I blow my diet and the cycle starts all over again.

Diet, that's a screwed up word. It has the word "die" in it. So essentially when you ask somebody to be your diet cop you are asking them to kill you. To be more accurate you are asking them to let you suffer. Diets are not a good thing and they don't work. I say get rid of the diet cop and the diet altogether.On that note, starting now I am going to try and change the way I see food. Food is not a reward for good behavior. It is not a cure for bad day. And I certainly do not deserve it just because I sat in traffic and spotted a DQ sign on my way home. No food is nourishment and that is all it is. That didn't actually strike me as true until I watched an old episode of Star Trek. I'm a nerd, sue me.

Anyway, Captain Kirk, Chekhov and Uhura were held captive on some far away planet where life was mapped out and no one deviated from plans or asked questions. What I thought was funny was that some scantily clad girl with green hair and a bikini made out aluminum foil brought Kirk his dinner. At one point he asked "What is it?" She answered with a blank stare, "Nourishment." That was it. There was no adjectives, no sounds of appreciation. She didn't add "And it's yummy!" That would've been just silly and gone against the storyline. The point is the food was meant to nourish him. Everything else was unimportant.

Trying to change your outlook on food is hard when you have so many other things you associate food with. You eat ice cream to mend a broken heart. You tell family how much you love them and are thankful for them over a table of turkey. And we celebrate life with cake. In all that we forgot to take care of our bodies and to feed it what it needs. Food is nourishment and that is all. Yes, it can taste good but ultimately it is supposed to nourish us.

To all my readers, let's learn to love and nurture ourselves and escape the food is love cycle.

You eat when...

Got to love those Alli commercials. You eat when you're hungry. You eat when you're bored. Sometimes you don't know why you are eating. So take Alli, a magical pill that cuts the fat of all the food you do eat in half.  Yeah, not a good idea. I tried it once and realized it was an expensive way to ensure I went to the bathroom.

I like the idea of the commercials though. If your life revolves around eating then you're not really living are you? And you're certainly not going to lose weight or get healthy if the only exercise you get is running back and forth to the refrigerator. I decided I needed to come to terms with my eating habits. I picked up a copy of Women, Food and God by Geneen Roth. Having read Breaking Free from Emotional Eating by Roth I know what the first step is. Eat only when you are hungry.

Simple, right? Actually it is. The other unspoken guideline is of course to make better choices about your food when you eat. As I said I read this before and as simple as everything was I still couldn't stick to it. And here's why: I have to be accountable for what I eat. I can't have sugar everyday and lament that I can't lose weight. It doesn't work that way.

Today I focused on that first step and it really got me through the day. When I did feel like snacking I stuck to the carrots, fruit, or whole wheat cereal. Even then I only ate if I was actually hungry. I did leave to run a few errands and found myself contemplating an iced coffee from Starbucks. Iced coffee isn't bad, especially when you have it with skim milk and Splenda like I do. But I know me. I will inevitably end up with a slice of pumpkin bread, or a brownie, or even one of those cake pops. I'll love it in the beginning but then feel bad when I realize how much bad stuff was in that little treat. So for now I will just avoid it and continue to read on and maybe next time I can learn to trust myself around food.