Living by the Scale

I had a thought today as I readied myself for my meeting today. I've been at this for 6 mos. and have become more miserable the more I lose. I feel like the more I stick with this program the more I live by the scale. I'm having a hard time right now because I'm in a bit of bad pattern. I start off losing weight at the beginning of the month, say about a pound. The next week I gain about half a pound. After that I lose pound then gain or lose again. All this in the course of a month leads to roughly a weight loss of two pounds a month. Every weigh in is a trial because I start out thinking I can change the pattern and don't have to gain but I do.  The worst part is the response of highs and lows I feel after I weigh in. A bad weigh in can send me to bed or lead to a binge. I can't figure the reason for this pattern  out and my leader is no help. I've tried eating simply filling, this is when you don't count points but eat foods that have little to no points value and are power foods like fruit and vegetable.Well I do that and that works for a week. Then when I try it again another week I gain weight. I can't seem to shake this pattern. Today, I wanted to yell at my leader when she suggested I needed to eat more, maybe indulge more. So if I eat food I shouldn't eat I gain weight.  And even when I don't eat 'bad foods'  I still gain weight. I'm sick of the lectures and the whole mentality that at least I'm losing. At this point the only thing I feel that I am losing is my sanity and money.  I need to lose weight and that's it. If eating more was a solution I would never have had to join WW. Does anyone else have a pattern? And if so how do you shake it?

Uphill battle

Hello readers,

I am still on the Weight Watchers program and so far I've been fairly successful.  I am averaging about 2 pounds of weight loss per month. So in a total of five months I have lost 10 pounds.  The problem is that even with the successes it's still an uphill battle. I'm not sure what it is about my body but it's determined to make this weight loss difficult. After each large loss I gain back a half pound the following week. Last week I lost 2.4 lbs and then this week I gained back 0.6 lbs. It's disappointing and discouraging.

Frankly, at times it's enough to make me want to quit. Part of me thinks that trying to lose weight the right way isn't worth it. By the right way I mean slowly and semi-steadily. I'm not sure what to do to stay motivated but I catch myself thinking maybe it's not meant to be. I realize that half a pound is nothing but I hate that this is a pattern with my body that I can't seem to shake off.

Except for a brief period of time I have always been the chubby girl and maybe that's just who I am. But I am tired of being the chubby girl and want to break this habit and make this battle a winning one. So dear readers, I need some advice. How do you break a pattern when you're not sure what's causing it and turn a struggle around?

Almost a Quarter Down!

It's been a while since I've been on here and my weight loss is still going strong. Just not fast enough frankly.  My group leader says I should remember that losing weight slowly is a good thing for reaching and maintaining long tern goals. I just want to get into a pair of size 8 jeans already.

But, I suppose she's got a point. I do tend to get hung up on the amount of weight loss or the number I see on the scale. So far I've lost just over 7 lbs.  and while I'm pleased with that I can't help but wonder how much farther along I would be if I hadn't been tripped up over the holidays.  And of course other things stall my progress as well, my visits from mother nature, my love of Coke Zero, and the occasional over indulgence. Still, progress is progress.

Besides, the slow but thankfully steady decline of my weight one more thing bothers me and that is really allowing myself to enjoy a treat without guilt. That's a hard one. Every time I go to a meeting I am tempted by two point chips, or three point chocolate bars. One of the newest snack bars is a chocolate-caramel-pretzel bar. Yum. I never buy them because I fear them. I am afraid that if I even have low point foods in my house I will eat them instead of food and balloon. Looks like I need to work on more than my weight. So as I said almost a quarter down but still no less neurotic. Until next time.

In the Name of Progress

As I work on my weight loss goals I've had to deal with my share of disappointments. My weight fluctuates with the amount of stress and let's just say lady days. Last week was proof of that when during my cycle I gained a pound. I know it's not much and yet it was a hard thing to stomach. And yet it was all my stomach's fault well, partly.

I become a chocolate fool during my time of the month. The candy jar at work was no help. I kept adding Hershey's miniatures to my coffee until it became a chocolate mess. The truth was it was pretty gross and yet I couldn't help myself. Needless to say I was pretty disappointed in myself when I stepped on the scale. But I was grateful for the support of the woman who weighed me. She reminded me that more than likely I was holding onto water weight. My husband reminded me that every road to weight loss has its own pace. Losing weight in a healthy manner meant that there would be some downfalls and some plateaus.

Keeping that in mind I worked harder this week. First thing I did was toss away the candy dish. I got loads of support from my co-workers and I felt good about my actions. Later, I added more water and reduced my salt and soft drinks. Even diet coke can't be that good if you drink more of it than water. With these changes made I was happy to find that I lost 1.6 lbs this week.

It looks like we're back on track and I will do my best to keep up the good work. Until next time keep on working.

And we're back

This week was surprising. At my weigh in I discovered I lost the 2.8 lbs that I had gained last week  plus 0.2 lbs. It was a nice surprise.  It seems I was right to forego the excess Coke Zero and mini Snickers. This week I plan to continue with the work.

I've been running with my dog and incorporating strength training at the track so hopefully next week I'll have another nice surprise. Tonight I plan to make a vegetarian chili and eat more veggies and fruit all around. Hopefully this chili will be the first of many veggie only meals that I will make. I'm not familiar with tofu but I think I will give it a whirl.

Until next week, keep moving.

"You're kidding right?"

Hello readers,

It's been a while and I am sad to report that this week's weigh in was less than gratifying. It's been a crazy week with the slew of holiday parties and increasing work loads and I gained nearly three pounds this week, 2.8 lbs. to be exact. I am not pleased. When I saw the number my response was , "You're kidding right?"

I was considering asking the girl behind the counter if she was playing a trick on me and tipping the scale. But, she assured me the number was correct. I decided to forgo the meeting because I was that upset and felt the need to move and not sit and listen to others celebrate their weight loss.I kept going over what I could've done wrong but couldn't think of anything ... at first.

On the surface I ate very well and stayed in my allotted points range. But I did drink more Coke Zero than water this week and added an additional cup of coffee practically everyday. I guess without water the bloat follows. Top it off with the fact that I replaced quality foods with low cal sweets. Yes, the points range was safe but I was still eating junk and it really showed on the scale.

I'm going to take some sound advice and up my veggie and fruit intake. I will replace diet soft drinks with water and head to bed earlier to avoid the need for an extra cup of coffee. I may not lose all the gained weight for this week but at least I will be back on the horse.

5 pounds down!

So last week I found out I lost a little over five pounds. I was thrilled but a little worried. After all this is the week of Christmas and that means tons of food. I've been playing with my points this week decreasing the amount I eat and then increasing the next day in the hopes of keeping my metabolism working. Today was my biggest challenge. We had a holiday party at work and the smorgasbord of food was overwhelming.

Even so, I planned to eat as healthy as possible. I piled on the raw veggies and fruit and planned on eating the turkey another  person brought in. Unfortunately, another co-worker brought in burgers from the In-N-Out Burger across from our building. I didn't feel I could turn it away since it was one of the few items that couldn't be packed up and reheated. Also, it was presented to me as a gift and not a food option.

I ate it and it was pretty good. But for 13 points it was hardly worth it. The rest of the day I ate smarter and piled on the power veggies and fruits. I realize that life is always going to throw me challenges and that I'm going to have to deal with it. Today I think I did pretty well and I hope I continue to do so in the future.

Back on Track

This week of WW was a bit of a game changer. The top people at WW decided to tweak the point system a bit, again. Let's see it used to be the lowest you could go was 18 points, then it was 29 and now it's 26. The good thing is that I and anyone else doesn't have to stick to 26 points. Instead you can hover between 26 and 29 and use the remaining three points and be on track.  I wasn't sure how my body would take it. But on Monday I thought well, why not?

This whole week I focused on eating mindfully and eating 26 points. It turned out that three measly points were simply that, measly. If I got hungry I added more fruit or water. I asked myself "Am I hungry or am I tired, bored, sad, or stressed?" Those three points didn't matter. When I wanted a piece of chocolate I allowed it and I felt fine.

I went through the whole week this way and upped my activity. On my weigh in I found I had lost the weight I gained the previous week. It was so simple and I never felt deprived. Losing weight is still slow going but I think I can live with it now. And knowing that I think I will stick with it.

One step forward

Although, I've been on the Weight Watchers points plus program for four weeks now it is still technically week three for me. I was supposed to head to my third weigh-in after the Thanksgiving holiday and move onto week four. But my husband and I decided to visit his family in Midland the Friday after Thanksgiving. I tried to avoid all temptation. During the holiday at my grandparents' house I ate light and only had a slice of low cal pumpkin pie. Satisfied, I thought I can handle this.

But once we hit the road to Midland I grew uneasy. I did well, I thought but something about making that  five hour road trip always causes me to have problems in the digestive arena. We gave a heads up to my mother-in-law that I was back to counting points. She bought pizza for dinner the night we arrived. I tried to make light of it and had a slice of pizza. I loaded my plate with fruit and other vegetables. The rest of our time in Midland consisted of good home cooked food I love but was now fearful of.

When we got back I was determined to exercise or exorcise the holiday out of me. I started jogging. I drank more water and less coffee. And I watched my points. Nonetheless I was still disappointed to find I had gained 0.8 pounds at my next weigh in. I sighed and shook my head, got angry, and despaired.

I realize it's a small amount 0.8 lbs. But for me every week that I don't lose is a huge failure for me. I try to be realistic. I know losing weight doesn't happen all at once. Still it's hard to see your numbers go up when in your head you can't wait for them to go down to that magical number so you can finally be that perfect size 8 or 6 or anything that's not a double digit.

I blamed my husband for the weight gain. The stress of the trip and the food made me constipated and irritable and now I had gained instead of lost weight. This is the part my husband fears the most: my disappointment. When I am discouraged or disappointed I want to quit and I fight with everyone to make it OK to do so.

But this time I let it go. After feeling sorry for myself for a while I let the anger and frustration go. There is bound to be more obstacles ahead, a piece of cake, or a meal that my husband brought home that I won't have accounted for. These and many more will all happen at some point or the other. And when they do I will try to make the best decision I can and try to be happy with whatever the outcome.

Week 2

So hello again,

It is my second week on Weight Watchers and I am mildly surprised. I lost another pound.  But I can't say I wasn't hoping for a little more. After all, I lost roughly three and a half pounds the first week. If I have to be honest I got a little ahead of myself and was hoping to lose that same amount this week.

But, before I got on the scale I decided that I needed to be happy with the result as long as I hadn't gained. The road to weight loss and my ultimate goal is going to be hard. And possibly long. If it's going to be a lifetime goal and change the results and the work can't be a quick fix. So when I found out I lost a pound I smiled and rewarded myself by sharing the news.

In the meeting I learned a few things that will help in the coming holiday and I plan to put them to use. I will eat off a smaller plate and choose wisely. I will move more instead of going into a turkey coma. I will work to lose weight and not let myself go overboard with holiday cheer.

I will meet my goal this time around!

Hello Weight Watchers My Old Friend

I decided to rejoin Weight Watchers and adjust my attitude. I had been counting calories at home on my own but cheated more often than not. With the program I don't have to feel guilty about eating ice cream.That doesn't mean that I can eat junk food all day in my points range. Well, I guess I could but I would just be shooting myself in the foot.

Anyway, during my first week I lost 3.6 lbs. I am quite surprised considering how my last try went. But I am happy. I'm going to continue working out and counting my points. I've decided to change the way I think about losing weight too. Instead of only focusing on the number on the scale I am going to focus on how my body feels.

It's only a beginning but I can say I pushed myself more this week than I have in quite a while. My body is sore and tired but I feel so good. I ate less but I didn't deprive myself. When I wanted a piece of candy I had a piece and tracked the points. I limited myself to a piece and didn't waste anytime feeling guilty. As a result of knowing I could have what I wanted I found I wanted less.  And that felt good.

I still have 31.4 lbs  to go and I am not going to quit working the program until I am at my goal. So maybe Weight Watchers is clicking for me after all.

If You Are What You Eat...

I guess I am a chocolate filled pastry and coffee. I know, I know junk food is bad for the waistline. But I really do try. I try until I get bored, and then I eat, and then I get discouraged. The cycle is recycled. These past few weeks haven't been stressful. Not because I am busy. Far from it. There just has been a lot of changes in my life.

I've closed the door on graduate school as my thesis did not seem to have an end. And I started a new job. It's not that demanding but it has its pressures. Food is how I deal. I need a better way to deal. I was thinking about that today as I walked my dog. My husband is notorious for running off the stress. I think the endorphin high is a perk. I enjoy walking the dog. But I am not sure that trying to get my dog to stop chasing squirrels as we walk is going to make me enjoy it enough to get an endorphin high.

I try lunges, crunches, and rows but that just feels like work. To get through it I sometimes swear at my husband. He thinks the idea of my prim and proper self cursing through crunches is the best way to get a little comic relief. I asked my husband why he works so hard at exercising. Aside from the physical results, it gives him time to just be himself without pressure, and it makes him feel good. So it seems I am on a search to find an exercise routine that I can love. A routine that helps the endorphins rise and gets me to want to keep doing it. I have always wanted to try rock climbing, just a thought.

When you're hungry

When you've gotten into the habit of indulging it's hard to cut back. Just eating responsibly can be torture. Or at least it feels that way for me. The last few days I've returned to counting calories. It's helped a bit. I've actually lost a couple of pounds in spite of my forays into candy land. The hard part is not getting ahead of myself.

Yesterday I ate  oatmeal for breakfast with almonds and cranberries. I logged that at 300 calories. Lunch was simple at another 300 calories. I snacked on fruit and managed to be full. Then I headed home and the wait in traffic fueled my hunger. I decided to make tacos and added lots of veggies for extra crunch. In all the time it took to prepare it I grew hungrier.

As I sat down to dinner I forgot all about pacing myself and ate, and ate, and ate. I overdid it and I blew my calorie limit. I could kick myself and feel guilty but I decided to pace myself today. It seems that I had to as I ate so much that I was still full this morning.  Being ill from food gave me time to think and relax when I had dinner tonight. Maybe I went about it the wrong way but it seems I taught myself a little something. It's important to pace yourself; even when you're hungry.

Diet? What diet?

Sorry I have been gone the last two weeks. I wish I could say it was a need to reflect on life that kept me but really it was a job. I started a new job roughly two weeks ago. So far so good. But it's kind of undone my schedule and my diet.

I realize most people would kill for a job right now but I hate anything that disrupts my routine. For example, up until two weeks ago I walked my dog every morning for two miles. We often went to a trail because the trail changes just a bit day to day and it offers a challenge. I also stuck to counting calories and often ate similar meals day to day. I also moved a lot more. Even after exercise I found myself heading outside just to enjoy the outdoors.

Then I accepted a position with a sales group in Dallas. It's not a bad job. Just different from everything I had been doing for months. In just the past two weeks my routine has been falling apart. I can't walk the dog in the morning. I have to be at the office at 8 and that means I have to leave early to sit in traffic and then sit at a desk. I try to walk him when I get home but after being in traffic on my way home sometimes I end up asleep.

Sleep. That's another thing I miss. I will admit it, I am a bit lazy. I love to sleep and without a good 10 hours, yes, 10, I drag. This leads me to my diet. When I'm tired, and zapped of the energy I get during my morning walk I turn to food. Mainly sugar. I have a candy jar at my desk. At first I wasn't that interested in the candy. I even put the candy in a dark dish so I couldn't see it. After a while when my head would droop at  my desk I would shovel some candy in my mouth. That worked for a little while. Until lunch anyway.

 The building I work in conveniently has a deli downstairs stocked with all types of treats. I started heading down to the deli around lunch to grab a soft drink. Then after a few days I added chips. After the end of my first week I had eaten so much junk food that my stomach ached everyday and yet I continued to eat.

After a tough weekend I decided to be honest. I am working on changing my diet as much to get into smaller clothes as to have a healthier body. I'm not going to get very far on a diet made of junk. Today I did better. I drank water, ate fruit and veggies and  have decided to turn in early tonight. I did eat a bit more but it is my first day  back after all. It's all about the baby steps. Take enough baby steps and that will add up to a big step. At least I hope.

1300

After much thought I've decided to really watch my calories. OK, so it was my husband's idea. He even made me a spreadsheet. Even so, I found my numbers getting pretty high. Then I had a blood test done a couple of weeks ago. My triglycerides are high. This is worrisome as issues with high cholesterol and heart problems are in my family's medical history.

At first, I got proactive and said I needed to change my diet. Or at least I pretended to when people were around. Whenever the idea of  a cookie or fries popped into my head. I ate it. After a week or two of saying I couldn't eat better I gave in. I took a look at how much I ate and tried to figure out what I really needed to eat. I realized I could easily shave off 300 calories and be OK.

For me the 1300 is the lowest number of calories I can eat. 1400 is the max for what I am trying to achieve.Today was my day to eat 1300 calories. I did fairly well. I checked into Livestrong.com and got an idea of how I should proportion my meals by calories.

Basically it's 300 for breakfast and 300 for lunch with 500 for dinner. Snacks can be 100 calories. Breakfast was easy as I usually eat bran flakes and soy milk with a cup of coffee. I forgot to add some fruit in there so I may have to make my cereal portion smaller next time. Roughly 300 calories.

Lunch was difficult because I wasn't sure what to do. My go to lunch is turkey and cheese on whole wheat. But, a slice of bread, even whole wheat is 150 calories. Hm, tricky. I finally settled on a tortilla with a quarter cup of reduced fat cheese and an apple. All for 290 calories. I then ate a banana, 110 calories as a snack before dinner.

Dinner required a little more help because it was homemade chicken noodle soup with whole grain noodles, squash, zucchini, carrots, onion and celery. After putting the recipe through Calorie-Count.com I figured that a serving of my soup was 316 calories. I had two servings. This made my total for the day 1340 calories. I am impressed and surprisingly not hungry. Hopefully I can keep this up. I plan to focus on my cholesterol and heart this time around. We'll see if that works because so far trying to trick the scale isn't working.

The Scale: Friend or Foe?

How many women step on their scale only to be disappointed by the number? Hundreds, thousands, every woman? First we feel sad. Then we play games with it. "I'm wearing really heavy (shoes, belt, jewelry) if I take them off than I'll get the number I want. Nope, that didn't work. Crap!" Then we either fight it or give up.

On a daily basis I am annoyed by my scale. I am convinced it doesn't work as the number never budges below 150 as far as I am concerned. So I run through my own games. "Maybe it's not centered. Maybe if I stand on one foot." When none of that works I kick the thing and stomp off losing the battle again.

So far the only thing I have learned in my battle of weight loss is that I need to learn to say when. Every time I think I've learned it I get PMS'd out and crave a cookie, or two , or three. But still, I continue to work at it and it frustrates me that my work never shows on the scale. I can now walk two miles in 30 minutes. Before I would get winded and could walk 2 miles in 45 minutes.

I have days where I am so diligent about my calories that I actually feel hungry. The hunger is not something I can deal with for very long and before I know it I have ruined my diet. But still, there are more days that I have more resolve and that does not show up on the scale either. I know the scale is not my friend. But without it how do you measure your success?

Saying when

Sorry to be away so long readers, but  it's been a busy week. I've been doing very well on the exercise front and have been managing to keep my calories low. It's been hard and rewarding work. Trust a family get together to cause some trouble. I went to a family BBQ with the best of intentions but I didn't plan well enough. I decided to eat light before I hit the BBQ and stuck to bran cereal and fruit before I left. I was under the impression the festivities would start at three which meant it was a late lunch or early dinner. I tried to avoid being hungry by nibbling on cantaloupe before we left.

My husband and I get to our destination to find that there is no food at this get together. Well, at least nothing aside from the potato salad I made and the basic sandwich fixings. I was confused to say the least. It turned out my family caterer and planner; my grandmother had forgotten to tell everyone just how behind she was on the food. It's a family joke how late she runs behind. But this time I was paying it for it with my stomach.

Three hours later and I was starving. Or at least tired of waiting for the BBQ so I took up an offer of fried chicken. An hour later the rest of the food and guests arrived. At this point I was no longer hungry but still attracted to the prospect of BBQ. So I had a plate with the intentions of stopping after that. But waiting for food for a long period of time triggered something in me and I kept going until I had overdone it.

The next day had proved no better as the previous day had set a pattern in motion. I've gorged on chicken Alfredo this evening. Later my husband broached the subject of dessert and I strongly considered it but said no. I am incredibly jealous as my husband indulges in a candy bar. I had to leave the room or else I would've grabbed the candy bar. It looks like it's back to the beginning for me. Just when I thought I had learned when to say when.

The Clicker

So I thought I'd invest in some quality time with Geneen Roth's "Women, Food and God". I was reading a few pages and something clicked. Finally, something clicked. Roth wrote, "it's not about the weight, but it is." For anyone who hasn't read the book or doesn't have an issue with emotional or compulsive eating you might think this is a strange phrase. But hang on a moment and I'll explain. What Roth was trying to explain that so many people think there life's issues revolve around their weight. Some of the problems  probably do. But certainly not all of them. The reason I can't seem to get ahead professionally or seem to win over my board for my senior thesis has nothing to do with my weight. But, when I struggle with life I do turn to food and that does cause a problem with my weight.

So my frustration with food and dieting and life is not about my weight. At least not all of it. Yes, when I was slimmer I was healthier and I seemed happier. But, something went out of place in order for me to abuse food. I thought about for a few days and lost some sleep over it and I realized what was wrong. It's my frustrations, things unsaid, decisions agonized over and yes, some worry about my weight that cause me to overeat.

I thought back and I remembered when I was in college. I started out the chubby girl and added some weight with each year. But, in my third year of college I lost a lot of weight. At the time I attributed this to an extreme diet and strict exercise regimen. But there was a third ingredient I'd forgotten about. I was settled. I was finishing up school and had a feeling that everything I worked for was paying off. I was finally comfortable in my own skin.

And then I graduated and I had to deal with the struggle of not having a job. I became depressed, slept more, and avoided people. Then I found a job which required long hours and left me feeling spent and wondering "is this it?" I thought I could fill my emptiness with a person and so I began to date. I dated the wrong person. I dated to not be alone with myself. That didn't work so I switched tactics. I thought then maybe what I need is to get back to who I was before. And so I went back to school. I tried to compete with people who had their life together. I tried to work and study when I was already a mess. And then something happened: I couldn't fake it anymore and my life began to unravel.

Two years had passed before I could overcome the mess I had made. After it all I only had the energy to save my heart. By the time I picked my self back up my weight had increased but none of the other issues remained. At the time the weight no longer mattered, just the fact that I had survived. I wasn't counting on love. I met a great guy who didn't know a thing about before, didn't care and loved me now. I met him at the gym weekly just to spend time with him. In the process I lost a little weight and developed a sense of peace.

I gave him my once broken heart. We will celebrate our second wedding anniversary in a couple of months. A lot of great things have happened since then. But problems with work and school continue to be a bother, which leads to cookie binges, extra cream and sugar in coffee, and more dessert than necessary. Before I knew it I had gained 20 lbs.

I joined Weight Watchers. I counted each point,weighed myself religiously and finally refused to attend when I couldn't drop the weight. Once again instead of trying to resolve the real issues I made my weight my issue. The thing is it's not about the weight, not really. I think I knew that once but tend to keep forgetting it. I have to work on me and then I can take care of the weight.

Now that I remembered it or relearned it I decided to just relax a bit. I've been tracking what I eat but I focus more on quality instead of quantity. Just yesterday I wanted pizza. Before I would've picked up a personal pizza from the local take-out. But instead I chose to head down to the grocery and pick up a Lean Cuisine pizza. I debated on things like calories, fat, salt. What it came down to was toppings. I like veggie pizza and that's what I ate.

I've also begun to focus on the high I used to get when I exercised. I remember one day running and thinking "this is the best day." What made it great was the feeling of accomplishment I got from running. I'm more of a walker than runner. But at the time I pushed myself to run and when I realized I could do it I loved it. Today I ran again and enjoyed it. Right now as I glance down at my four-legged workout buddy I know we are both exhausted. But I can say, "this is the best day."

Baby Steps

"Run, Run, Run, Repeat."

That's the attention grabbing phrase on a T-shirt I wear when I work out. I was thinking about that T-shirt today as there was a time I lived that phrase. Anyone who's known me for some time remembers my heavier days before college. During college I added the freshman 20 to an already tiny and yet overweight frame. I don't even remember what size I was. But I do know that during my third year of college a friend's crash diet appealed to me and I lost 40 lbs.

My family didn't recognize me when they came to pick me up at the airport for Thanksgiving break. That was a good feeling. At that time in my life I ran everyday for several miles. Then I got a job and couldn't balance the stress and I began to eat more than I exercised. Don't worry, this is not a blog for self pity, but motivation. Today as I got up I decided I needed to be honest about a few things. I need to stop thinking about who I was and move forward. An interview I read in Shape magazine said the same thing. Quit trying to get your old body back. Instead move forward to a new , better, healthier body.

I also had  to be honest about some bad habits. First, I eat entirely too much junk food. People may think I don't but I do.  I just eat it while I'm driving, on the way to on on the way from somewhere. Other things I notice I eat too many servings when I am not even hungry. This behavior has now led to my new cycle: diet, diet, diet repeat. The last few days I've focused on eating only when hungry. Even then I ask "Am I really hungry? Or just bored, tired, sad, stressed, etc.?" You get the picture.

Guess what? I am rarely as hungry as I think I am. I went overboard the other day. I was at my grandmother's house and she'd made fettuccine Alfredo with chicken. I was hungry, but I didn't stop to ask how hungry I was. I ate the whole plate, which was enough for two people, and had some salad. The worst was that I had snacked on two stale donuts as she talked and cooked. By the time that fettuccine was passed to me I was actually good. I didn't need to eat. But it smelled so good. And she went to all the trouble. So I ate and felt very uncomfortable right after. Later, my husband ordered fried fish for dinner. I took one look and realized I couldn't eat it. I wouldn't eat it. I just would be repeating the crazy cycle of my life.

I want to get to a point where I enjoy running again. Where I can happily say I am living the phrase on my work out T-shirt. So aside from asking if I am really hungry I decided to take a few baby steps. Today I walked 2 miles and tried to push to speed walk when I could. Speed walking I realized is not possible when you are also walking a dog. Dogs only have two speeds and trying to go somewhere in between just led to a lot of me being dragged. But I'll keep on trying. Maybe soon I'll be going from baby steps to giant leaps.

Diet Cop

"I'm on a diet. Don't let me eat anything bad, OK?"

Every woman who has ever dieted has uttered this request to some friend, co-worker, relative or spouse at one time or another. Want to know the crazy thing? Once you ask someone to be your diet cop they'll do it. And you'll hate them for it. For some time now I have made my husband my diet cop only to regret it when I had a bad day and needed a treat. I'd been good all week I deserved it. How could someone deny me an ice cream treat from Sonic? Because I asked them to.

I put my husband in a lose-lose situation where if he didn't do what I asked he wasn't being supportive. If he did do as I asked then he was mean and not letting me enjoy my food. The person who needs to be responsible for my food is me. That being said I have a screwed up relationship with food. It is my comfort, my friend. It is my enemy when I look in the mirror, or have an upset stomach from overdoing it. In the end I blow my diet and the cycle starts all over again.

Diet, that's a screwed up word. It has the word "die" in it. So essentially when you ask somebody to be your diet cop you are asking them to kill you. To be more accurate you are asking them to let you suffer. Diets are not a good thing and they don't work. I say get rid of the diet cop and the diet altogether.On that note, starting now I am going to try and change the way I see food. Food is not a reward for good behavior. It is not a cure for bad day. And I certainly do not deserve it just because I sat in traffic and spotted a DQ sign on my way home. No food is nourishment and that is all it is. That didn't actually strike me as true until I watched an old episode of Star Trek. I'm a nerd, sue me.

Anyway, Captain Kirk, Chekhov and Uhura were held captive on some far away planet where life was mapped out and no one deviated from plans or asked questions. What I thought was funny was that some scantily clad girl with green hair and a bikini made out aluminum foil brought Kirk his dinner. At one point he asked "What is it?" She answered with a blank stare, "Nourishment." That was it. There was no adjectives, no sounds of appreciation. She didn't add "And it's yummy!" That would've been just silly and gone against the storyline. The point is the food was meant to nourish him. Everything else was unimportant.

Trying to change your outlook on food is hard when you have so many other things you associate food with. You eat ice cream to mend a broken heart. You tell family how much you love them and are thankful for them over a table of turkey. And we celebrate life with cake. In all that we forgot to take care of our bodies and to feed it what it needs. Food is nourishment and that is all. Yes, it can taste good but ultimately it is supposed to nourish us.

To all my readers, let's learn to love and nurture ourselves and escape the food is love cycle.